Do you feel like your voice is downplayed in your relationship? Have you experienced fear of your partner’s response if you don’t do exactly what they say? If so, you may be experiencing the tactics of a manipulator.
What does “manipulate” mean?
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, a manipulator is controlling someone or something to your advantage, often unfairly or dishonestly. Sometimes, the control can be subtle, causing you to question whether it is all in your head. Other times, it can be very aggressive and lead to fear and trauma.
This article will focus on the thing you can control: yourself. It will help you understand why you fall under a manipulator’s spell, how to empower yourself to recognize the signs quickly, and how not to let it happen again.
This post will outline the six ways to outsmart a manipulator, plus a step-by-step action plan to implement our guide. By following the tips outlined in this article, you can learn to stay vigilant and aware of the tactics a manipulator may use so you can protect yourself from future abuse.
Understand the techniques of a manipulator.
Manipulators often use the same types of tactics to exert power over others. Understanding the techniques of a manipulator and being able to identify them quickly can be tricky. Here are two tips to help you quickly identify these different techniques:
1. Pay attention to their words and actions.
Manipulative people often use subtle language to control the situation.
A manipulator might use phrases like:
- “you’re too sensitive.”
- “you made me do this.”
- “you owe it to me.”
- “do it, or else… (they don’t usually finish this sentence)
- “this is part of our agreement.”
- “if you care about me/us, you’ll do this.”
- “I know what’s best for you.”
- “I said sorry already! Don’t bring that up again!”
- “you’re overreacting!”
There are also phrases used for a specific purpose, like trying to seem non-threatening, so you’ll be more likely to give in to their antics. “I don’t mean to be judgmental” and “What do you think I should do?” are examples of non-threatening phrases used often before they act.
2. Recognize the signs of manipulation.
Pinpointing manipulative behavior is pretty simple when you know what to look for. The person’s actions are transparent and obvious because they are often arrogant.
Manipulators often use tactics like:
- using humor or belittling others to make themselves appear superior.
- showing overly protective behavior, even when it’s not needed.
- consistently trying to change the conversation topic back to their preferences.
- waiting for their turn to talk or deflect blame onto someone/something else instead of listening.
- saying one thing while meaning another, then denying it later if confronted about it.
- asking ‘leading’ questions to get what they want from the conversation.
- repeatedly asking personal questions in an attempt to gain trust.
- acting overly defensive when challenged.
- make you feel guilty about not doing what they want.
- throwing out questions rapidly without allowing time for answers.
- interrupting conversations mid-sentence.
By understanding the classic words and techniques that could be used, you can protect yourself from being taken advantage of.
3. Be aware of body language.
Body language can reveal a lot about how you feel, and this can be used against you by someone trying to assert power over you. It’s essential to be aware of your body language when dealing with a manipulative person to stay in control of the situation.
If you show any physical sign of insecurity, people-pleasing, or submissiveness, a manipulative person may hone in on those attributes and use them to make them feel more powerful.
How your body language conveys insecurity and powerlessness:
- crossed arms
- avoiding direct eye contact
- slouching or “shrinking” posture
- fidgeting and avoiding physical touch
- nervous laughter or talking too quickly
- shifting around in your seat, rocking back and forth, or wringing your hands
- not speaking up when it’s your turn to talk
- speaking in a low tone of voice
- apologizing for things that don’t require an apology
- quickly changing the subject away from yourself
In addition to your body language being used against you, the abuser’s body language has a significant effect on the situation as well.
How a manipulator tries to overpower you:
- standing or sitting too close to you
- making direct eye contact and not breaking it
- speaking in a low, authoritative tone of voice
- pointing their finger at you when speaking
- intimidating posture with arms crossed and head held high
- moving around the room while talking to maintain control of the situation
- leaning into you as if they are trying to dominate the conversation
- using physical actions like pointing, gesturing, or poking
A manipulator might use subtle shifts in their body language — such as making eye contact for too long or using a raised voice — to scare or intimidate them into doing what they want.
Remember that body language can also show your abuser that you won’t fall prey to their devious antics.
Body language that helps you stay in control of a situation:
- keep your body relaxed and open
- maintain direct eye contact
- stand or sit with an upright, tall posture
- use hand gestures to emphasize points
- point your feet towards the person when talking
- nod your head occasionally to show agreement or understanding
- take pauses during the conversation, and don’t be afraid to take up space
- avoid fidgeting and avoid responding too quickly
When used, these tips can show a manipulator that they cannot easily have power over you. To learn more about how to read body language, click here.
4. Be confident
Similar to body language, remaining confident shows itself in different ways. How your body is aligned, your words in response to theirs, and even the energy you give can invite or deter potential manipulation.
Do you know the kryptonite of a manipulator? It’s confidence. If you are confident in who you are, what you think and feel, and how you respond to their antics, you are less likely to be affected by their efforts.
Confidence deters them quickly because the situation becomes too much work to convince them that they are more powerful than you. If there is too much resistance, they will move on to someone more likely to succumb to their thirst for power.
Tips for being confident:
- respect yourself and your opinions
- speak up when something is not correct or fair
- don’t be afraid to take risks
- surround yourself with positive people who will support and encourage you
- practice self-care regularly by taking time out for yourself each day
- be kind to yourself and have positive self-talk
- follow through with what you say you’ll do (this includes what you say to yourself)
- trust your gut
- stand tall
- know your value
It can take time to apply these tips to real-life situations. Also, these actions may feel uncomfortable or nerve-wracking. Know that to make progress in gaining confidence, you will need to practice and have patience with yourself.
5. Ask clarifying questions
Expressing disagreements diplomatically and asking clarifying questions can be powerful tools for deterring a manipulator. It allows you to reframe what each person said to ensure understanding and provide space to make the words spoken sink in.
This type of person defaults to talking to you like you need to be more uninformed or unintelligent. Often, they try to confuse you so you have the emotional response they are looking for. Asking questions or repeating what they’ve said can show them you know what is being said and that you comprehend the situation.
If they make a statement:
When they say things that feel confusing or hurtful to you, ask them questions to clarify. By asking a question, you give yourself time to process the situation before reacting and also make them rephrase their aggressive words.
If you make a statement:
Try asking them questions to ensure they have heard what you said. This will help them understand your words and show you believe in them. This effort to confirm their understanding also prevents them from being able to tell you didn’t say something later on.
Finally, try to express disagreement using diplomatic language. This will demonstrate that you understand their point of view and that you still disagree with it. Additionally, you show confidence in your beliefs and opinions by expressing your opinion.
If you are in a situation where your manipulator gets violent or dangerous during arguments or is reactive and escalates situations quickly, disagreeing may not be the best solution. If this is your situation, skip to step six and form your exit plan. There is no instance where your safety should be compromised. If you are in danger, please immediately call 911 or your local emergency number.
6. Focus on facts
Focusing on facts rather than feelings can be challenging when dealing with a manipulative person, especially if you feel intimidated and belittled. It is natural to respond emotionally to hurtful comments hurled at you. Staying in control of the conversation and not allowing yourself to be drawn into their games will help ensure your boundaries are respected.
Try using “I” statements instead of “you” to ensure your feelings are heard without attacking the other person or accusing them of wrongdoing. This will help you remain diplomatic while standing up for yourself.
They cannot intimidate you if you don’t give in to their emotional ploys. You are refusing to be a pawn in their games by sticking to factual statements.
7. Keep your cool
It can be challenging to stay calm and composed when dealing with a manipulative person. Manipulators often try to get a rise out of you, using tactics like belittling or intimidating you to assert control over the situation and heighten your emotional response. These attacks naturally make you feel defensive and argumentative, which they want.
A plan will help you stay calm and reason about your next steps rather than get caught up in their abusive game.
The 6-part action plan to regaining your power and outsmarting a manipulator:
1. Know your triggers
Identify the situations or words that most often make you defensive and reactive. A manipulator will use this information against you. If you can think about what triggers you the most, you can preemptively learn not to be so affected by them. When they try to use it during a heated conversation, those words will not give up their power so easily.
2. Practice self-control
Take time to practice controlling your emotions when presented with difficult situations. This may include delaying your response or allowing someone to run their mouth a bit, even if what they say is untrue and unkind. Controlling your emotions doesn’t mean you don’t respond; it just means you control when and how you respond.
3. Have an exit plan.
Be familiar with what steps you can take if things become too much. An exit plan could mean asking for a break or leaving the house so you can get some space. Often, it can feel scary to use your exit plan for fear of what they will say. Remember, you get to choose how people talk to you, and you can leave if they don’t respect your boundaries.
Also, a support person or group is pivotal in following through with an exit plan. Having support from people who care about you and know the situation will be a safe haven when unraveling the abusive behaviors you have experienced. Send a text or meet up with someone who knows what’s happening and can offer validation and affirmations when you need to get out.
Sometimes, people can change once they truly realize what they have been and are currently doing to you. Other times, it is best to cut all ties with a manipulator because there is no hope for change, you are tired of their games, or you have had enough and want to put your mental health and safety first.
Again, if you feel your physical safety is threatened, try to find a safe place and dial 911. Your physical safety is more important than anything else.
4. Remind yourself of your value.
No matter how they attempt to manipulate you, you can still assert your right to respect, boundaries, and space. Your value, lovability, and importance are inherent. You may feel quite the opposite if you have been belittled for a long time. Know that what they say is simply false.
5. Take a deep breath or two.
Take time to breathe deeply after being triggered, which can help you to remember how you want to respond instead of responding emotionally to their attacks. It also takes up space in the conversation, which shows them that you are essential and don’t feel rushed or pressured to respond immediately.
- Write a script for yourself.
Come up with some common phrases or sentences you can regularly use to deflect manipulative tactics. For example, if they belittle or talk down to you, try saying something like, “I hear what you’re saying. However, I feel differently about this and would appreciate your respecting my opinion.”
If you practice these responses, it may become more accessible to respond in ways you know will help you keep your power and not be so affected by fear, obligation, or guilt.
Developing a plan for handling difficult conversations will help you stay in control of the situation. This will give you the power to keep your cool and respond appropriately instead of letting them take over.
Conclusion
The key to dealing with a manipulator is to be aware of their tactics and plan how to respond. By being mindful of your reactions and utilizing the above strategies, you will be more likely to remain in control of the conversation.
Ultimately, this will help you regain power from manipulative people and allow you to stand up for yourself confidently. You can learn how to handle difficult conversations with practice and patience. The tips above will feel like second nature the more you apply them.
If you have dealt with a manipulative person for a long time, it may be beneficial to have someone talk through your experiences, help you see your worth, and help you learn the technical skills needed to process your experiences with manipulative abuse in a supportive, caring environment.
If you are ready to take back your power from a manipulative relationship, find your licensed counselor here. We have licensed professional counselors who specialize in your unique needs and help you learn the skills to help you live your best, most confident life. Once you choose your counselor, start here to make an appointment, or call us at (833)-274-heal to begin the journey toward finding your power again.
This Post Has 9 Comments
I (with all my heart) appreciate the time, patience and the nurturing guidance that you all provided. It really feels good to see that I am not alone in this, and that there are people/sources out here that really care about my situation and are truly working hard to help my situation and find a resolution! Thanks for everything that you do!🙏🏾
This truly enlightened me, and has made me aware of what exactly manipulation is. I plan on being more in control of my emotions, and using even bigger words. I also plan on standing up for myself.
Thank you for your comment, Arnel. You are taking major steps to become self-aware, take ownership of your reactions, and to value yourself by standing up for your feelings against manipulation. I’m glad you found the article helpful. Check out some of our other content on topics that you are interested for more helpful tips.
Thanks for your information on how to arm yourself against a Narc. I googled and found your page. I will use it to help me prepare. I am going to write this and keep it handy within my Journal.
Writing down information to remember and reinforce it later is a great idea, Fiona. I’m glad you can now feel confident to protect yourself against potential manipulators. Knowing how to recognize the signs of a narcissist is half the battle.
I have a manipulative situation that won’t stop a family member.help help!
If you are in need of urgent help, call a crisis hotline like National Domestic Violence Hotline. Their number is 888-799-7233 and they are available 24/7. If someone is in physical danger, dial 911, or call your local emergency number for immediate help. If you would like personalized help, I recommend making an appointment with one of our therapists to better understand your situation and help you in the best way possible.
Whst would you call someone who with held sex for 7 years and when confronted blows it off like it’s nothing doesn’t except responsibility for their actions
Thanks for your comment, Tom. The reason people have a desire for or lack of desire for sex can be multi-layered and complex. If the lack of sex is a choice and not a hormonal or chemical reason, then talking to a mental health professional is important to find the root cause for it, if the person finds this to be an issue. From one side, there could be a reason for the lack of sex. From your perspective, it feels someone is withholding something from you that you want. This causes stress for both people if there is a lack of understanding behind the root reasonings. It may be beneficial for you both to speak to a counselor, together and individually, to work through how you feel about the situation, find any underlying issues causing the situation, and to find potential solutions.