What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that pushes you to question your thoughts, memories, and reality. It often happens gradually, so you might not even be aware that it is happening at first.
Someone using gaslighting tactics might twist facts, deny things they previously said, or insist that you are overreacting. Over time, this can make you feel unsure of yourself and rely more on the person gaslighting you for a sense of what’s true.
Recognizing gaslighting is the first step toward reclaiming your confidence and clarity. This article helps to explain gaslighting on a deeper level and offers actionable steps to help you break the cycle.
Why is it called 'gaslighting'?
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play, Gas Light, which was later adapted into films in 1940 and 1944, both with the shortened title, Gaslight.
In the story, the antagonist, Gregory Anton, manipulates his newly married wife, Paula, into doubting her reality by periodically dimming the gas-powered lamps (‘gas lights’) in their home, and then, whenever Paula brings it up, denying that anything has changed. His goals were to manipulate her, sow confusion, and, eventually, institutionalize her for her alleged insanity.
This fictional example mirrors real-life gaslighting, in which your reality is slowly distorted by another person’s persistent denial, deception, or misdirection.
7 Common signs of gaslighting
Gaslighting can show up in different ways, and recognizing the signs can help you restore control over your sense of reality and self-worth.
Some common signs of gaslighting include:
- Denying things you remember clearly. You bring up something that happened, and the other person insists it never did.
- Twisting your words. They take what you say and distort it to make it seem like you meant something else entirely.
- Dismissing your feelings. You might hear minimizing phrases like, “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.”
- Projecting their actions onto you. If they lie or break trust, they might accuse you of doing those things instead, and paint themselves as the ‘real victim.’
- Insisting that you’re imagining things. They suggest that your memory is faulty or that you’re just confused; they may also try to double-down on their version of events to create a contrast between your ‘imagination’ and ‘what really happened’.
- Using black-and-white language. They dictate that their version of reality is the only version of reality, with no room for nuance, other views, and other experiences – it’s ‘their way or the highway’.
- Isolating you from support. They might discourage you from talking to friends or family about your concerns, insisting that they are your only true, reliable source of information.
If you’ve experienced these behaviors with a family member, in a close friendship, or with a romantic partner, the first thing to remember is that what you are feeling is perfectly valid. You have just as much of an ability to navigate and describe reality as anyone else, and it is absurd for anyone to claim that they have an exclusive hold on the truth.
What does gaslighting look like?
In any type of relationship (whether romantic, familial, professional, or even political), gaslighting is designed to create an imbalance of power. In this dynamic, the gaslighter exclusively controls the narrative, forcing you into dependency on the gaslighter and their version of events, and making you unsure of yourself and your abilities.
In a romantic relationship, gaslighting might look like your partner invalidating your emotions or trying to make you feel responsible for things outside your control, as a mask for their own failures or mistakes.
In friendships or family dynamics, it could involve someone rewriting history to downplay their behavior in an attempt to make you feel guilty for how you feel.
Gaslighting can also appear in the workplace, where a boss or colleague manipulates situations so that you doubt your abilities or memory of events, and to retain their power over you in a corporate hierarchy.
In any setting, gaslighting can leave you feeling confused and drained, but recognizing its signs is the first step toward taking back your confidence.
15 Gaslighting examples
Understanding examples of gaslighting may help you know if you are experiencing this type of abuse in your relationship.
Some examples of gaslighting include:
In Relationships
- “That never happened.” – Denying past events to make you doubt your memory.
- “You’re too sensitive.” – Dismissing your emotions so that you feel irrational.
- “You’re imagining things.” – Prompting you to question your perception of reality.
- “I never said that.” – Denying previous statements despite clear evidence.
- “Everyone agrees with me.” – Isolating you and questioning your judgment.
At Work
- “You’re overreacting.” – Undermining your concerns about unfair treatment.
- “I already told you that.” – Blaming you for forgetfulness when they never provided the information.
- “You’re not remembering correctly.” – Twisting past events to suit their narrative.
- “You’re lucky to have this job.” – Pushing you to doubt your worth and feel powerless.
In Family Dynamics
- “You’re making things up for attention.” – Dismissing valid concerns or memories and replacing them with an alternative, false narrative.
- “That never happened when you were a kid.” – Denying past events to rewrite history (often to avoid responsibility for parenting failures).
- “You always make things difficult.” – Using universalizing language to shift blame onto you instead of addressing their responsibility for relationship issues.
In Friendships
- “I never said that.” – Denying hurtful comments they previously made.
- “You’re crazy for thinking that.” – Outright questioning the reliability of your judgment.
- “I was just joking! Don’t be so dramatic.” – Excusing harmful behavior with humor and trying to make you feel bad for how you feel.
Narcissism and gaslighting
It’s often said that ‘hurt people hurt people.’ Perhaps the best example of this can be found in people who struggle with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Studies have shown that people who exhibit signs of grandiose narcissism have likely experienced adverse childhood experiences in their formative years, fracturing their sense of self and forcing them to create a public mask to cover up their pain.
This is where narcissism and gaslighting can overlap: a narcissist’s fractured sense of self and warped perception of reality can manifest in gaslighting behavior. In this instance, the narcissist may gaslight you to cover over their unresolved childhood trauma (when they were hurt or gaslit by their caregivers).
For the narcissist, any view of the world that does not match theirs becomes a threat to their fragile sense of self, leading them to project that fragility onto those around them in the form of gaslighting. Unfortunately for you – if you are engaged in any kind of relationship with a narcissist – that projection comes at the expense of your reality and wellbeing.
To be clear: knowing that someone you know has experienced severe wounding as a child does not justify or excuse their destructive behavior. Gaslighting is always wrong and toxic for relationships. Even so, it is easy to demonize people who have hurt us without understanding what has formed and shaped them – and if we are not careful, our hurts can lead us to hurt others too.
That is why spotting the signs of narcissism and gaslighting, and leaving the cycle of abuse, are so important: with the right help, you can be the change you want to see in the world.
How to respond to gaslighting
If you recognize a consistent pattern of gaslighting in any of your relationships, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and regain control over your life. Having a plan to healthily respond to or escape gaslighting relationships can help ensure you are safe and have options.
Here are 6 actionable steps you can use to respond to gaslighting:
- Trust your instincts. If something feels off, trust that feeling. Your emotions and perceptions are real, valid, and worth exploring further.
- Keep a record. Writing things down can help you stay grounded in your reality. If someone denies something they said or did, you have notes to confirm your memory.
- Create healthy distance. It’s okay to disengage from conversations where someone insists on distorting your reality.
- Set clear boundaries. If you notice someone may be gaslighting you, it’s okay to state your boundaries with them. If they ignore, minimize or lie about what you have said in future interactions, you will have a clear boundary-setting conversation to point back to.
- Seek support. Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or online counselor can help you process your experiences, maintain healthy boundaries, and build confidence in your perception of the world.
- Use confident language. When responding to gaslighting, use firm and clear statements like, “I remember it differently,” “That was not my experience,” and “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Using first-person language like this helps you take ownership of your reality (instead of giving the other person control over your emotions), and helps to keep you anchored without needing to prove yourself.
Summary
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you question your thoughts, memories, and reality. It often happens gradually, so you might not even realize it at first.
The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1938 play, Gas Light, which was later adapted into two feature films.
This fictional example mirrors real-life gaslighting, in which your reality is slowly distorted by another person’s persistent denial, deception, or misdirection.
Gaslighting can show up in different ways, and recognizing the signs can help you restore control over your sense of reality.
In any type of relationship (e.g. romantic, familial, or professional), gaslighting can create an imbalance of power where one person controls the narrative, forcing you into dependency on them, and encouraging you to feel unsure of yourself and your abilities.
There can be a correlation between narcissism and gaslighting, in which the narcissist uses gaslighting as a tool to control you and protect their own fragile sense of self. In this dynamic, you can understand what has shaped the narcissist without justifying their behavior, or staying in a place of physical or emotional danger.
No matter the context, if you recognize signs of gaslighting in your life, there are important steps you can take to protect yourself and regain control over choices and reality. Having a plan to respond to or escape gaslighting relationships can help ensure you are safe and have options.
These practical steps include:
- trusting your instincts,
- keeping a record,
- setting boundaries,
- seeking support, and
- using the confident language of personal ownership.
If you’ve experienced this for an extended period, gaslighting may be causing confusion and making it difficult to understand reality. You may need the support of a specialist who understands your experiences and can help you find safety and confidence again.
If you are ready to seek support and conquer the effects of gaslighting, call us at (833)-274-heal or schedule an appointment to get started. Your personalized treatment plan with one of our online mental health specialists can be the first step towards a life free from gaslighting.
This Post Has 8 Comments
Watch out for narcissistic nurses and doctors. They will feel threatened by anyone who challenges them, even when the other person is right. These are not good people to deal honestly with patients. They don’t care about patient care. They care about paychecks. They are best placed in hospitals, not home health, so they can be watched and observed by others.
Where is the “And What to Do About It” part?
Hi Susan, thank you for your comment. In the article, we suggest talking with trusted friends, family, and a counselor or therapist for support and help getting out of the relationship. If you or someone you know is in a relationship with a narcissist and need help, we are here for you. You can call us at 833-274-4325 to schedule an appointment, or schedule one online at https://www.makinwellness.com/get-started/ .
This is such an important topic, and you’ve done a great job providing practical guidance.
I was married to a narcissistic husband for 11 years. The affairs and lies never stopped. He was fired from his job because he caused so much conflict there. I’ve been divorced for 17 yrs & his game changed to narcissistic gas lighting. Once you recognize the game it’s easier to deal with it, and seek therapy.
You shared a great article. I would like to appreciate your time and effort in creating this meaningful information. I found this article on narcissist gaslighting truly eye-opening. It’s crucial to recognize these manipulative behaviors and their impact on mental health. Understanding the signs can empower individuals to break free from toxic relationships. The practical tips provided here are invaluable for anyone navigating such situations. Great insights!
I really like that the article shared the meanings of gaslighting. I had a Very Narcissistic husband and had to take him to court for major abuse and he landed himself in jail for 10 years. Later had a neighbor that was/Is narcissistic and after 13 years, I did the “gray rock” (ignored him). I had to stand my ground by not answering his calls, texts, etc..he eventually got the hint and pretty much has left me alone. I’ve had to tell myself that I was not being selfish by not answering him, but rather I am protecting myself from further harm and that that is very very healthy!
Glad to know you are out of that abusive relationship, Judy. Also, it shows a lot of growth hearing how you expressed a boundary with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. It shows you are healing from the abuse you have experienced. Surrounding yourself with those who make you feel comfortable is important. Don’t feel bad for protecting your personal space.